Broken for Guilt

In years past, I was ashamed to take Communion.

When the crackers and juice were offered, I struggled to arouse intense feelings of remorse. I sincerely believed that if I were unable to feel guilty enough for Christ's sake (He died because of me), I would be heaping further shame on my expensively-redeemed head. Ironically, I cannot recall ever feeling completely satisfied with my manufactured regret, in either extent or degree.

A vicious cycle was born: If I did not create enough inner guilt, I would naturally earn further condemnation. Either way, I got the short end of the stick.

Burrows acknowledges the profound influences that Communion exerts on the redeemed soul. Comparing Communion with the possibility of experiencing a physical presence at the foot of the cross, he writes, "I say there is more in this Sacrament to break the heart for sin than such a sight as that" (317-318). Indeed, the heart must be broken over Communion. Burrows maintains that the "suitable disposition…is brokenness of heart, a sense of our sin, of that dreadful breach that sin has made between God and the soul" (316).

Was I justified, then, in my ill-fated attempts to dwell in my sin? Is Communion the bleak, yet necessary, reminder of "the great God that you have sinned against, and the curse of the Law that's due to you, the wrath of God that is incensed against you for your sin, and those eternal flames that are prepared for sinners?" (316).

Fortunately, Burrows adds this: "Our sin should be upon our hearts so as to break them, but this brokenness must be evangelical. It must be through the applying of the blood of Christ unto my soul. I must come sensible of my sin, but especially I must be sensible of it by what I see in the holy Sacrament" (316). In a way, Communion can be turned into an obscenity of self-gratification. Certainly, the nature of this Sacrament gives me pause to reflect on my sins and failures, but only in light of Christ's accomplishment. God is my Judge and Redeemer. How simple, how profane it is for a believer to turn Communion into an exercise for self-condemnation and self-expiation!

I strove to feel guilt that I might gain relief from it. Ineffective? Yes. Arrogant? Yes. Blasphemous? You decide.

If our hearts must be broken, how can we better ensure that they are broken "in an evangelical way, in a gracious way"? (316). What must be done to ensure that a congregation perceives Communion "only in the red glass of the blood of Jesus Christ, beholding Him broken"? (316).